So I was woken up this morning at 9ish by my roommate texting me, I had left my phone on full volume. It seems that last night when a group of my friends were leaving, my roomie's cat slipped out. I checked the hallway and didn't see him. Then later when I feed my cat I thought it was weird that Calvin (rommie's cat) didn't come running, but I just figured she had gotten up and let him into her room, I also checked the hallway to be sure, and still saw no kitty. So I went to sleep at about 4:30am.
So the roommate texted me because someone on the hall had a 'Found Cat" posters, and Calvin was missing, and she had to work. So I called and knocked and got the cat back, the guy was really nice about it. But I am not looking forward to talking to my roomie when she gets back from work...it's all my fault, and I was really lucky he was ok. And it's worse because I thought I had done it, but didn't check carefully enough...
So the roommate texted me because someone on the hall had a 'Found Cat" posters, and Calvin was missing, and she had to work. So I called and knocked and got the cat back, the guy was really nice about it. But I am not looking forward to talking to my roomie when she gets back from work...it's all my fault, and I was really lucky he was ok. And it's worse because I thought I had done it, but didn't check carefully enough...
- Mood:
guilty - Music:Gulity- The Rasmus
As the countdown to midnight and my birthday begins, I’m stuck by the similarity and differences to last year’s birthday. Like last year, there is almost a sense of dread to the realization that another year has passed. But unlike last year, there is some of the old excitement of having a day to myself, where people let me know if they are happy I exist.
Some of the dread this year comes directly from the fact that it is my 21st birthday (this will be the only time I will talk about my age here…), and I am in a dilemma. For most people this is an exciting birthday because they are legally able to drink, and that for me is why it has put me in a quandary. I have never been one for drugs and alcohol, but have been able to hide behind the fact that I was never legally allowed before. Now that that excuse is gone, I’m having a harder time telling people why I choose not to. Partly it’s because it’s an expensive habit, I’ve seen it hurt people and tear families apart, it makes me unique to not drink (and not judge others on their drinking), but mostly it is because I am a control freak and the thought of taking something that could potentially lower my inhibitions scares me. While I have decided drinking really isn’t for me, I still have my birthday. I am under tremendous pressure from people that usually support me to drink. But others are providing the constant level headed support I need, so I guess it all works out.
I think the biggest reason I am feeling some dread, is the same reason as last year, I have so many regrets and unfulfilled dreams. If I died tomorrow (for whatever unexpected reason) I would have left some many things to do or things I wish I could have changed, and this bothers me. I’m a person who is used to living a life that I can be proud of, and this is not it. However, I think by realizing this, I have taken the first step to changing it. While I am not going to be making a bucket list, I will have a list in my head of things I want to do or try. And although I did not really make resolutions this year, I have made some promises to myself and am on the road to keeping those (or at least one).
So here’s to hoping this next year is the best one ever, and that I live a life I can really be proud to claim as mine!
PS I'll have to explain where I've been in a later post, things have been crazy! ANd I still ahven't read anything from LJ in over 3 months!
Some of the dread this year comes directly from the fact that it is my 21st birthday (this will be the only time I will talk about my age here…), and I am in a dilemma. For most people this is an exciting birthday because they are legally able to drink, and that for me is why it has put me in a quandary. I have never been one for drugs and alcohol, but have been able to hide behind the fact that I was never legally allowed before. Now that that excuse is gone, I’m having a harder time telling people why I choose not to. Partly it’s because it’s an expensive habit, I’ve seen it hurt people and tear families apart, it makes me unique to not drink (and not judge others on their drinking), but mostly it is because I am a control freak and the thought of taking something that could potentially lower my inhibitions scares me. While I have decided drinking really isn’t for me, I still have my birthday. I am under tremendous pressure from people that usually support me to drink. But others are providing the constant level headed support I need, so I guess it all works out.
I think the biggest reason I am feeling some dread, is the same reason as last year, I have so many regrets and unfulfilled dreams. If I died tomorrow (for whatever unexpected reason) I would have left some many things to do or things I wish I could have changed, and this bothers me. I’m a person who is used to living a life that I can be proud of, and this is not it. However, I think by realizing this, I have taken the first step to changing it. While I am not going to be making a bucket list, I will have a list in my head of things I want to do or try. And although I did not really make resolutions this year, I have made some promises to myself and am on the road to keeping those (or at least one).
So here’s to hoping this next year is the best one ever, and that I live a life I can really be proud to claim as mine!
PS I'll have to explain where I've been in a later post, things have been crazy! ANd I still ahven't read anything from LJ in over 3 months!
- Mood:
hopeful - Music:Within Temptation-Frozen
I haven't posted a real post in far too long, and there are reasons for that. And this is still not a real post, but I really wanted to get rid of these quizzes. So enjoy!!
( Quizzes )
( Quizzes )
- Mood:
creative - Music:Nightwish- Over the Hills and Far Away
Happy Happy Birthday to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
codenamepancake . I hope she has a WONDERFUL, SPECTAULAR day. I'm excited to get to have ice cream tonight! ^_^
codenamepancake . I hope she has a WONDERFUL, SPECTAULAR day. I'm excited to get to have ice cream tonight! ^_^- Mood:
happy - Music:I Walk Alone- Tarja
I have been so busy lately that I haven’t been on LJ in a couple months. And it would have been longer but I need to talk today.
For those of you who don’t know, today is the 10th anniversary of Matthew Shepard’s death. 10 years ago today Matthew died after spending 5 days in coma after receiving a severe beating. His skull received trauma that is usually seen in car crash victims. He was beaten, tortured and left outside to die. The cyclist who found him thought he was a scarecrow, and the policewoman who found him didn’t recognize him when she finally saw a picture. The only parts of his face that wasn’t covered in blood were the tracks from his tears. He was killed because he was an out gay man. His killers, who will remain nameless here, claimed that when Matthew came on to them they “panicked” and killed him.
It’s been 10 years, and some things have changed. More people are out, there are GSA in high schools and colleges, some states allow LGBT people to marry, some states allow LGBT people to adopt kids, some states have Hate Crime legislation. However, LGBT people are still being killed, abused, and harassed, sometimes to the point that they commit suicide. There is still no federal Hate Crime legislation, no federal right to adopt or marry.
On campus tonight I went to a candlelight vigil to remember and commemorate Matthew and too many other LGBT victims. As I looked around the surprisingly large circle illuminated by just as many candles, it struck me; all of us are potential victims. We are all either LGBTQ or allies that support us, and to the ignorant, bigoted people that makes us a target. As I hugged and held onto my friends we listened to the heartbreaking stories of just a handful of the brutality we face. Then with our candles burning out we planted rainbow flags, flags that each represented 5 people. There were way too many flags, way too many lives ended or crippled by hate.
It scares me to think that one day I could be one of those flags. I know that is not a very likely outcome, but it is a possibility. I am mostly out on campus as a bisexual woman, and am a co-chair of a Bisexual Club. I stand up for what I believe and my hometown is in a pretty conservative. In high school, before I even knew who I was, I had already had to put up with name-calling and harassment, and sexism. I wonder now would it have been worse if I was out? I think it could have been. The thought of what happened to Matthew doesn’t scare me for my sake, but for my family and friends. What would it do to them if they had to deal with something like that happening to me? I hope I never put my family through that pain, but at the same time I wonder, would they be proud of me? To know that I was out and proud of who I am, and who I love?
After 10 years and too many deaths, beatings, and keeping silent about our pain, all I can hope is that one day, these days of remembrances won’t be necessary. One day.
If you have any interest in learning more about Matthew Shepard and his AMAZING parents visit: http://www.matthewshepard.org/site/PageS
Help spread the word to “Erase Hate”
Also for a list of GBTQ Hate Crime victims visit:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Violence_ag
- Mood:
depressed - Music:Face Down-Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Wow so school is over for the year, and it still feels sureal. So much has happened in the past few weeks. I went on a couple dates, realized dating is weird. Took over control of one club and need to step up in another. I earned a new belt in my martial art. Packed up and moved home for a week.
But it's a little nerve wracking becasue I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. I know it won't be as much as when I got my hair cut after high school. But I want to try something shorter and more modern. But talking with my mom she thinks all the styles I was looking at were "thug", which makes no sense since they were emo/scene... But I think we found a happy compromise, and hopefully it will look ok.
If things go bad the good news is that I'm meeting some friends for food. One of my friends from my old neighborhood and her mom for lunch. Then dinner with M at the best Cinci food! Then tomorrow night sushi with my brother and possibly a friend from high school. So it should be a fun end of the week!
But it's a little nerve wracking becasue I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow. I know it won't be as much as when I got my hair cut after high school. But I want to try something shorter and more modern. But talking with my mom she thinks all the styles I was looking at were "thug", which makes no sense since they were emo/scene... But I think we found a happy compromise, and hopefully it will look ok.
If things go bad the good news is that I'm meeting some friends for food. One of my friends from my old neighborhood and her mom for lunch. Then dinner with M at the best Cinci food! Then tomorrow night sushi with my brother and possibly a friend from high school. So it should be a fun end of the week!
- Location:Cincinnati
- Mood:
nervous
Some days are just awesome, and that's something I need to remember on my bad days. Today was a pretty amazing day. I got to sleep in, and woke up feeling refreshed.
I had my belt test for my martial arts group and passed. Even if there was a tense moment where I had to attempt a cartwheel, even though I have never done a cartwheel; not even as a child. But it was a great feeling tying on my new belt, looking around the room at all of my friends that had helped me get to that point. It’s hard not knowing with my knee if I’ll be able to train next week, or even for a long time. It is really starting to worry me, especially as I realize I’m not only not feeling touch but temperature either.
Back to the good though. So I came back to my dorm to check my e-mail and got some great surprises. Friday the club that I am now a co-chair of put together an all inclusive speed dating event. It wasn’t what we thought it was going to be. The opposite gender loving session (heterosexual) had one PhD male student and then two of us girls, so everyone there (mostly gay guys, ad bisexual women) sat and talked. For the same gender loving session there were only two women I didn’t know, the other three were already my friends. I really liked everyone, and had fun talking to the other women. When my friend sent out the e-mail about who was interested in me it was cool to see the two women I had just met both were interested. It was really flattering, and a confidence boost. To make things even better one of them added me as a friend on Facebook. I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner in return. So the e-mail I saw when I got back was that she wanted to go out to dinner. I have a date on Tuesday, and I’m so excited/nervous/not-sure-how-I-feel. There was also an e-mail from the other woman, who is older than me. She invited me to a concert on Wednesday, but I had to decline because of exams. But we’re planning on getting together later this summer and jamming on the guitar.
It’s kind of neat to know that other people can be interested in you. It’s hard when your younger brother is co much better at relationships than you. And practically everyone else too! Even if things don’t work out, it will be cool to meet other people from campus. Anyway statistics say most people who settle with one person for the rest of their lives met them because of connections through friends; so your best bet is to make friends!
Now if I could find a job and get my knee to heal/feel/stop hurting things would be practically perfect!
- Mood:
excited - Music:Dresden Dolls- Good Day
So I went to the University Health Services today to see a doctor about the numbness areound my knee. Last week I played 3 broomball games in 3 days, and got a massive/impressive bruise. However it wasn't til a day or so after that, that I realized the funny feeling near my knee was the fact that the knee wasn't feeling anything...which was very shocking. I've put off going to the doctor hoping it would go away, but it hasn't.
Anyway the visit was suprisingly painless and fast. The bad news was that the nerves in my knee have suffered a "trauma" and that is why they are numb. There is a good possibility that the knee is still swollen and that this will fade. But there is also a possibility that this could be permanant, which scares me a lot. I know there are a lot worse things I could be going through, but the thought of never feeling anything again with a part of me is scary. And he didn't do a very good job breaking the news.
Hopefully with ice and Ibuprofen it'll be fine, if not I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
Anyway the visit was suprisingly painless and fast. The bad news was that the nerves in my knee have suffered a "trauma" and that is why they are numb. There is a good possibility that the knee is still swollen and that this will fade. But there is also a possibility that this could be permanant, which scares me a lot. I know there are a lot worse things I could be going through, but the thought of never feeling anything again with a part of me is scary. And he didn't do a very good job breaking the news.
Hopefully with ice and Ibuprofen it'll be fine, if not I'm not sure what I'm going to do.
- Mood: scared
- Music:Mecano- Hijo de la Luna
"Little things used to mean so much to Shelly- I used to think they were kind of trivial. Believe me, nothing is trivial." Eric Draven, The Crow
Sometimes it’s the little things that just make a day good. There wasn’t even anything special about today, but it felt good. The weather was nice, and beautiful. I talked with so many people that I know in all my classes. It’s sad that by the time I really start to enjoy my classmates, the semester is over. One week to go, and that feels too close and too far away at the same time. I also got a small note from my best friend from high school. It never ceases to amaze me how one little note always makes my day brighter. I guess I need to remember that and reciprocate more often! ^_~ Maybe the rest of the week will keep this feel, I could get used to this!
Sometimes it’s the little things that just make a day good. There wasn’t even anything special about today, but it felt good. The weather was nice, and beautiful. I talked with so many people that I know in all my classes. It’s sad that by the time I really start to enjoy my classmates, the semester is over. One week to go, and that feels too close and too far away at the same time. I also got a small note from my best friend from high school. It never ceases to amaze me how one little note always makes my day brighter. I guess I need to remember that and reciprocate more often! ^_~ Maybe the rest of the week will keep this feel, I could get used to this!
- Mood:
content - Music:Nat King Cole- Nature Boy
Have you ever read a story and as you are reading it you feel what the characters are feeling? It is one of my favorite things about reading, is experiencing the emotions of other people. Often times after a really good book, I have trouble separating what I’m feeling and what the characters were feeling. The worst is when I’ve been reading for a while and something interrupts me, the abrupt change makes it confusing sometimes. I think this why I have always found a happy escape in books, and it is what I strive for when I write. I know a story is really good if I feel the emotions in my chest, a twinge of pain for soul breaking sorrow, a flutter for a fleeting touch of a loved one, Goosebumps from a truly compassionate act, teeth clenching from uncalled for injustice, etc. The stories I like best are the ones that arouse these responses, and those characters are the ones I relate to most.
I’m not really sure why that was one my mind, maybe it’s just because I’m worn out physically, mentally, and emotionally at the moment. I always wonder if other people experience these feelings when they read, but it’s a weird question to ask. Hopefully with school ending soon I will get a chance to recharge so I am not so susceptible to everyone else’s moods; both the real and imagined people’s moods.
- Mood:
thoughtful - Music:Three Days Grace-String Quartet
So a couple of weeks ago I went on a completely awkward speed date with a gay man. It was a test for a speed dating event we’re working on organizing and we were testing the time length. And let me tell you when there is absolutely no attraction (he is so gay it took him forever to figure out how the straight part of the speed dating would work!) two minutes can seem like an ETERNITY.
Now why is any of this relevant? It just so happens that he is in my Stats class and we had a review tonight. I sat with him and another friend who is also bisexual and currently has a boyfriend. Well we all decided that the review was worthless and left halfway through and ended up at Starbucks. I decided to work with the guy I had gone on a “date” with, since he is REALLY bad at Stats (with a fever I did better than him on the last exam). It was fun since he has even worse ADD habits than I do (not that either of us actually have it to my knowledge), and it was great taking breaks. And I find I learn better when I am teaching, so it’s a win-win situation. Anyway about an hour in he stops and states that I smell good, and that he “has been sniffing me all night.” He then reaffirmed that he is very much gay.
For me it was funny and very flattering. I am a VERY sensory person, I always touch, smell, taste, etc everything (when it is appropriate). But I am especially scent oriented. Since I always smell other people it has always been in the back of my mind wondering how I smell to other people. I know there are people that I think smell wonderful, and usually those are my closest friends. Then there are people that unfortunately smell in a way that bothers me, but usually it’s not bad. Most people fall into an non-notable smell category, where occasionally I will smell something but most of the time there is nothing one way or the other. I unconsciously smell others and everything, so I always wonder how I smell. It’s not just something you can ask someone, because in truth I don’t know if I really want to know if I smell bad…
Moral of the story I smell good to a gay guy…
- Mood:
amused - Music:Vertical Horizon- Everything you Want
My life is crazy and so stressful right now. I’m putting of two papers and studying for an exam. Maybe after this I might take a break or write like I used to, I need something at the very least. It’s funny how when things start to go bad I turn to the things that got me through middle school. So I wrote in my private journal for over 2000 words in stream of consciousness and am listening to October Project. There is just something soothing in her depressing voice, I just wasn’t up for Linkin Park and anger, maybe in a day or so.
At least dinner was AMAZING thanks tocodenamepancake.
At least dinner was AMAZING thanks to
codenamepancake.- Mood:
stressed - Music:October Project- Return to me
Things have been a bit rough the last few days. I found out I didn’t even make it to the interview stage for a job that I thought I would get no problem. So it has caused me to be in a panic about what I am doing this summer. I want to stay here more than anything (ok that is a lie, there are other places I would rather be and doing, but I just can’t…). All the panic, worry, and rejection have really been tough on me. I think not really resting over break is also catching up with me. I hate how I am when I am this stressed and angry/depressed/emotional, I get angry at people who are only trying to help. But there is just something in me that dies every time I have to try and sell myself to all these companies.
Anyway, before I just go off and keep complaining, I wanted to focus on the good. I decided to go and help out a friend at his private lesson in ninjiitsu. Basically I got beat up for a couple hours, and it was wonderful. Whenever I train I can’t think about anything else, which means I can’t worry. When I’m stressed it is one of the few things that calm me down. Plus there are the people, and they are like a second family to me at times. It was great just being with a group of them and talking. I don’t know what is going on this summer, or if I’ll be happy wherever I am, but things are never as bad as I think (one perk of being a pessimist!). The only problem is one of my arms is really sore today, but it’ll heal.
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:Panic at the Disco
So I watched this several times earlier and there is something hauntingly awesome about it. I don't know if it is the awesome voice, or the Tim Burton-esque video. Or the overall tragic nature of the video, which immediately endears it to me. Plus it wins lots of bonus points for using my favorite word: phantasmagoria!The ending also leaves me wondering; what is the band trying to say. I have a theory but I don't want to ruin the video for anyone. So enjoy.
- Mood:
pensive - Music:The Tales of Asp- Me
It’s funny; I haven’t felt the overwhelming urge to write in a long time. But tonight my fingers are itching to be given free reign. I’ve wanted to write something heartbreaking and tragic, but with a happy ending for a long time, but I just can’t think of a fitting situation. The situation will make or break the story; it will change how tragic I can make it. And being giving homage to my favorites, I don’t wan to mess up. In the back of my mind though, I am remembering some stories I wanted to finish. Maybe this summer I can finally start working on some of these stories that have been with me for so long now. It’s time to clear these characters out of my head. And more importantly, I have really missed writing.
- Location:Michigan
- Mood:
nostalgic - Music:The Lord of the Rings Soundtrack
By all rights I should be sleeping, after having a fever for two days and being generally sick for three. And I was just about to sleep when I decided to check my e-mail, which means I now have to post. Its news that for some reason isn’t being talked about and I think it should.
It seems this week that there have been several school shootings. These are tragic and horrific events that children and adolescents shouldn’t have to worry about on top of all the other pressures they are facing. One that seems to be getting glossed over is the one in Oxnard, California. One boy was gunned down by one other student. This one seems out of place because there was only one victim, and seemingly only one target. It has been pushed aside because the college shooting this week had 5 victims and the shooter killed himself. But I think this one in California needs some more publicity.
The one thing most people don’t know is that the reason this 15 year old boy was gunned down by his 14 year old classmate was because he was GAY! Yes you read that right a 14 and 15 year old and because he was GAY. Why is this not on the news? The only reason I know this is because I got an Urgent message from GLSEN, because today the 15 year old victim is being taken off the ventilator and he is finally going to die. His life is over at 15 and his shooters life will also end because he has to live with the consequences of his action. How bad has the hate gotten in our country that CHILDREN are killing other CHILDREN because of sexuality? What kind of world are we living in where Hannah Montana not wearing a seat belt is bigger news than a boy being killed because he was gay? It’s one thing when adults have to suffer abuse because they are different, because they love other people. How does a 14 year old or any aged person for that matter get it into their heads that they’re going to kill someone that day?
I can’t even figure out where I want to go with this post. I’m just so baffled by this. Mostly thought I am saddened that this can happen, and more so that it can happen without anyone knowing it has happened. There is a reason I as a very open person do not talk about my sexuality, there is a reason I didn’t even tell my best friends in high school.
Please if people read this post let others know, Lawrence King was the 15 year old victim. That was his name, Lawrence; by the time you read this he is probably already dead. And the world is going to forget about him and this horrendous act. Yes there are plenty of other violent crimes that happen, yes all school shootings are bad. But he was specifically targeted, and this is a whole new type of threat, and could start a whole new problem and it needs to be addressed, not pushed aside. He and his family need to be remembered, because no family should have to bury their child, not like this.
- Mood:
crushed - Music:Angels- Within Temptation
I’m now officially a year older than I was before. Tuesday was a great day in and of itself. I got invited to be one of three people to represent my martial arts club at a self defense seminar. Then I found out that I got hand picked by our sensee to join him and a few others to learn a new fighting style (we were invited, but the whole club can’t go). It is a great honor to know that he thinks that highly of me, and I’ve only been training for a year and a half. Also one of the girls from the club told me that I was the reason she joined the club, my personality (and butt kicking ability) convinced her to stay. Then I rounded out the night at my sword fighting club, and I got to fight a new style. I got to try sword and dagger for the first time, and another group used the main gauche. It was amazing, and I can’t wait to be able to fight in it more often. Then I finished the night working on bo-staff, and I love that too.
Then Wednesday (my birthday) was awesome. It started with a call from a friend that I hadn’t heard from in a bit. It was great to hear her doing well. Then I opened my presents, and my parents still spoil me! Then throughout the day I received so many birthday wishes, somewhere above 60 on facebook. And I’m egotistical enough to say I loved it. Although many of them were from people that I never even talked to in High School. I also went to dinner with a great group of friends, and they bought me dinner. Then the bisexual club brought cupcakes and we played games. It’s funny we played 10 fingers (never have I ever without drinking) and I won by 5…needless to say I live a boring/different life. But I had a great time. And I’m ending my day watching Big Eden, and loving it, Pike is adorable. Henry better not break his heart…
Then Wednesday (my birthday) was awesome. It started with a call from a friend that I hadn’t heard from in a bit. It was great to hear her doing well. Then I opened my presents, and my parents still spoil me! Then throughout the day I received so many birthday wishes, somewhere above 60 on facebook. And I’m egotistical enough to say I loved it. Although many of them were from people that I never even talked to in High School. I also went to dinner with a great group of friends, and they bought me dinner. Then the bisexual club brought cupcakes and we played games. It’s funny we played 10 fingers (never have I ever without drinking) and I won by 5…needless to say I live a boring/different life. But I had a great time. And I’m ending my day watching Big Eden, and loving it, Pike is adorable. Henry better not break his heart…
Hopefully in the next few days I’ll get a chance to write out what I was talking about the other day. But that is going to take time and right now I just want to finish enjoying my high from several wonderful days.
- Mood: happy
- Music:The movie Big Eden
Ok you know that thing about dreading birthdays...totally not true, I love my birthday!! I feel warm and fuzzy inside!! Today is going to be great...except for that exam I haven't studied for...
- Mood:
ecstatic - Music:HIM- Vampire Heart
It's kind of funny in 4 minutes it's my brithday, and usually my birthday is my favorite day of the year. The day people really are or at least pretend they're happy you're there, and I love. But this year it's kind of a landmark, and it's making me think about my life. Hopefully later I'll get a chance to expand upon this. It's not a bad thing but I'm jsut realizing there is so much I haven't done, and so much I have. So even though I'm going to miss being a teenager, I know there are so many things ahead. It's confusing, but hopfully I'll be able to better articulate myself after I take my exam tomorrow, some birthday present.
- Mood: excited
- Music:HIM- The Sacrament
I'm supposed to be writing my paper now, and I just don't want. I hate this, I know I have a paper, and it needs to be done. But I just can't make myself sit down and write it, even when it's not hard. I have a paper that cannot be more than three pages due in hours, and have less than a paragraph done and I just can't focus. What's funny is it's just a critique of a study, and an interesting study (intimate piercings) but it feels like I'll be here for hours. Which at this rate I will be...I guess I have procrastinated as much as I can...le sigh...I hate citing and quoting, but if I don't then it's called plagerisim...
- Mood:
drained - Music:Apocalyptica- Plays Metallica